How do you Argue?
We need to talk.
What do you think of when I say 'argue'?
What do you picture?
Two people in the kitchen, one getting big and loud, the other with hand on hip, leaning forward, pointing a finger?
Take a minute to think; which one, if either, are you in that picture?
How did you get there?
What is the point of it?
What is the objective of both people?
Good old google tells me there are two definitions for the word 'argue'.
argue
/ˈɑːɡjuː/ 1. give reasons or cite evidence in support of an idea, action, or theory, typically with the aim of persuading others to share one's view.
2. exchange or express diverging or opposite views, typically in a heated or angry way.
There are two different vibes here, and I want to offer you the thought that you have the option to choose which one you want to be.
Person 1. goes into a situation with the aim to persuade others of an idea, a course of action, or a theory they have by using reason and evidence.
or
Person 2. expresses their diverging or opposite views, typically in a heated or angry way. They use loud, aggressive, attacking behaviour to show they are hurt, they have been misunderstood, that the other person is wrong, or that their own point is correct.
Notice, Im not saying don't argue. Im asking you to pay attention to how you argue.
What is your objective?
To persuade to change with constructive thoughts?
Or to persuade to change by belittling and inciting fear.
I think we all want to be person #1, right?
But how?
This requires us to take a second to work out what our objective actually is. Even write it down first. Have it clear in our mind.
So when a conversation goes off track (and they do), we notice it and we can steer it back to where we want it to be, to who we want to be in an argument.
What happens when things go pear shaped?
Ok, story time
This happened to me the other day.
I knew what I wanted to say and why I wanted to say it - my objective.
As I was consciously trying to steer the ship away from the rocks of a heated conversation, I smashed right into them. My words came out all wrong, in a jumbled mess - Even the best laid plans go awry, misunderstandings happen, and here is the risk of either party quickly becoming person number 2.
Thats ok. Nothing has gone wrong. This happens. What to do next?
I had to take a minute (or a couple of hours) to allow space for my frustrationthat I had got it wrong, that I was misunderstood and to regroup.
I reflected on what my intention was. I wrote it down.
I took ownership that I got in the weeds with my words.
I was able to apolgoise and restate my intention.
Bingo
Back on the same page.
Give it a go next time you feel yourself taking offence, being misunderstoodor that the argument is escalating into blame, name calling, anger or frustration.
You can argue without the use of these.
You can choose to be person #1 or person #2 in an argument.
If you feel you need someone to thrash it out with... let's talk.
Start here by booking your free consult
Your personal coach to arguing better,
Steph
PS. Want to know more about how a personal coach can help you feel more in control? Head to the website here